What I know so far...

My journey started about a month ago when I was driving to the beach.  I downloaded a few audiobooks including Geneen Roth's When Food is Food and Love is Love.  As I listened to her advice I realized several things about myself.    Emotional eating is the reason I'm overweight.  I  had considered the fact that emotional eating was a problem for me, but I had never realized that it was the problem.  When I am happy, I truly enjoy healthy foods.  Grapefruit is my absolute favorite food of all time.  But when I am upset or bored or tired, I find myself eating anything I can get my hands on.  If I've been on a good track with eating healthier foods, I'll crave super-processed foods like snack cakes.  It feels good to break my diet because it validates negative thoughts like "you don't have the will-power to eat healthy".    

One of the biggest things I realized is the fact that I never let myself get hungry.  I always keep snacks in my purse.  I keep the pantry stocked with more food than I could eat in three months.  If I know I'm going somewhere that I won't be able to eat, I over-eat before I leave the house.  I'll eat if it's been a few hours since the last time I ate even if I don't feel hungry.  No joke, I recently found myself googling "how to tell when you are hungry."  How can I be so detached from my physical self?  So a big part of this journey will be learning how to listen to my body.  More importantly, how to be present in my body.  

I know exactly why I developed the habit of over-eating.  My world as a child was chaotic, insecure.  Night-time was the worse.  I remember the quiet tension  as we ate dinner on tv trays in the living room.  I stared intently at the television, pretending to solve Wheel of Fortune puzzles that were way above my head.  I ate my food as quick as I could and always got seconds.  I'd eat until I reached that deliciously sick feeling that comes just before the urge to throw up.  The kind of full where all you can think of is how stuffed you are.  Numb.  Having a full belly made me feel safe and secure and basically, it was how I put myself to sleep each night.  

The first step for me has been paying attention to when and why I am eating.  I realize now that I think about food all the time.  I find myself halfway to the fridge before I think "Am I even hungry?"  When I'm not hungry, I am trying discover what I'm feeling that I'm attempting to cover up by eating.  Sometimes it's really obvious.  For example, I went on an eating binge the other day and I know it had something to do with the fact that I stepped on the scale and didn't like the number.   Other times, I can't put my finger on why I am determined to eat when I'm already full.  Sometimes I get in this defiant mood where I continue to eat when I know I'm not hungry because I want to.  Funny thing is, it doesn't make me feel better.  So, I'm not sure what it is exactly that I want.  Above all, I'm trying to be patient with myself and take the process slowly.  I've maintained these eating habits for many years and it will take time to reform them. 

The most exciting thing I've realized is I never have to "go on a diet" again.  I have been either on a diet or feeling guilty about needing to diet for the past twenty years.  I've learned that dieting doesn't work for me.  When I diet, I feel restricted, and then I binge on the foods I felt like I couldn't have.  The awesome thing is, I don't need to count points or calories to know what's good for me.  Our bodies are extremely intelligent and capable of managing what food we need to feel well.  I just need to tune in to that voice.  It's an empowering, yet scary thought.  Empowering because I now know that I've had this internal wisdom all along.  Scary because I've been living outside of myself for so long that learning how to tune in to my body will be the hardest thing I've ever done.   

 

The Awakening

Something has changed within me...something is not the same.

Every time I look in the mirror I see a hint of this new person I'm becoming.  There's a strength building inside of me that I never thought possible.  I'm not sure what's coming, but I know I am transforming into the woman I am meant to be.

I am now called to write.  I usually process my emotions through long conversations with close friends.  But everything is changing so fast, I have to write things down before the moment passes.  I've never kept a diary because I always re-read entries and rip them out in shame.  I've never written a blog, because it always felt needy, a call for attention.  I take this step now because I need to hold myself accountable, a space where I can be unabashedly honest with myself.  I am beginning a life changing journey and I need the support of my family, my kin.

The birth of my son, becoming a mother, is inspiring me to be my truest self, to live life well.  I have found the courage to slay the most fearsome dragons that have held me back for too long.  The biggest battle surfacing now is my addiction to food.  Food has been my drug of choice for as long as I can remember.  I eat when I'm sad.  I eat when I'm lonely.  I eat when I'm anxious.  I eat to fill the emptiness.  I eat to punish myself, stuck in the belief that I don't deserve to be pretty or attractive.  I can hear what you would say now.."But, Alex...you are beautiful."  That's really not the point.  I'm caught in this unhealthy relationship with food and I'm ready to break free.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can change my lifestyle, eat healthier, exercise, and take all of the necessary steps to become physically well.  I'd love the support of my friends in this endeavor, but that's not the most difficult challenge I face.  What scares me is I know that my emotional eating is only the tip of the iceberg, a symptom of a bigger problem.  I am really not sure what that is.  All I know is that I am ready to start asking myself difficult questions and get to know myself better.  And here's where I need support.  In the past, I've backed away from this challenge.  I've settled and told myself the lie "Everything is fine..you're perfect how you are..nothing needs to change."  Everything is not fine.  I don't have an awareness of what's troubling me.  But I am scared to be alone with myself.  I seek out any kind of constant distraction...working late, tv, visiting friends, talking on the phone, food.  I want to be whole.  confident.  independent.  So I'm taking the first step by making a commitment to be honest with myself and I ask for your support in holding me accountable to my goals.