Stuck

I just ate four pieces of pizza.  I've spent the past 3 hours on the edge of vomiting.  I tried to throw up but I couldn't.  I ate the fourth pizza slice with the full knowledge it would make me feel ill.  I started overeating at night when I was a child.  Eating too much makes me feel numb.  It helps me sleep.  And somehow feeling sick and being mad at myself for doing it on purpose feels right.  Like I deserve to feel this way.  But I'm a grown ass adult now and I'm really tired of it.  I am the happiest I have ever been and I want to live my best day every day.  But I seriously don't know how to stop.  I have two really destructive habits that come and go in cycles- binge eating and picking my skin.  If I'm not indulging in one, it's the other.  Please gods give me the clarity to make this stop.

Getting back in a routine

So, it's been awhile.  A big thanks goes to my friend Sarah for her continued encouragement.  After she reminded me to post a couple weeks ago, I decided to not watch Dexter until I wrote again.  Alas, the desire to watch my new favorite show has finally worn me down.

The trip to Alabama actually went pretty well.  The best part was enjoying all of my favorite foods without guilt.  I used to eat indulgent foods in a rushed, craze.  But now, I'm learning to savor every bite.  The biggest surprise has been realizing that I don't even enjoy some of my "favorite" foods.  For example, I realized that oatmeal cream pies are so saccharine that I really don't enjoy them.

Now that I'm back to work, my goal is to commit to an exercise routine.  I've noticed that I make better food choices when I'm in an exercise routine and feeling healthy.  Also, I'm positive that combining eating only when I'm hungry and regular exercise will lead to natural, steady weight loss.  So, I'm going to set a ridiculously obtainable goal.  I'm going to exercise once on the weekend and once during the week.  I've got this :)

Whole Foods

In the past couple of weeks, I have read several books about nutrition.  I read Eat to lose, Eat to Win, by Rachel Beller.  This is the easiest to understand book about nutrition I have ever read.  The most helpful part of the book are the recipes for snacks.  Beller suggests a hearty afternoon snack like a sandwich wrap made with sushi nori instead of less satisfying snacks like granola bars.  In the book Why French Kids Eat Everything, a mom candidly discusses her battle adapting her family to eating in France.  She introduced her children to new vegetables by making creative pureed soups like "special spinach sauce".  I am looking forward to making some of the recipes for my son.  My favorite tip was her suggestion to mix vegetable purees into a bottle with milk when first introducing new flavors.  Finally, I read Practical Paleo, as an introduction to the Paleo diet.   The Paleo diet focuses on whole (unprocessed foods) including meat, fruit, and vegetables as the main staples.  My husband suggested that we try this diet together because his doctor recommend he switch to a gluten and dairy-free diet.  My biggest take-away from this book is the importance of healthy fats in a diet.  After many years following weight watchers I lean towards a very low fat diet.  I didn't want to spend the points on even olive oil to sauté my dinner and chose to use non-stick cookware instead.  Reflecting back, I now believe that these lower fat meals left me less satisfied and hungry for snacks in between meals.  My goal is to continue reading more books about nutrition.  I've checked out the audiobook Whole, Rethinking the Science of Nutrition for my car trip this week and I downloaded Human Biology- Digestion and Nutrition for free from the kindle store.  I am really excited to learn more because the better I understand how what my body needs and why, I feel empowered to make healthier choices.

The message I've taken away from every book is the importance of eating whole foods.  If you cook it yourself using fresh produce and healthy oils, it's going to be nutritious.  If it has ingredients on the label that you don't know what they are, it's probably not a healthy food.  So, I'm not going to say that I'll never eat processed food again, but I'm going to start focusing on eating mostly whole foods.  I truly hope that as I eliminate processed foods from my diet, I will start to feel so much better that I don't crave them anymore.

Reading all of these books is inspiring me to cook new recipes.  When I was following a low fat diet I used apple sauce to cut fat out of baked goods and used a tiny spritz of canola oil when cooking in a skillet.  It really doesn't taste as good.  So, now that I am embracing the importance of fat in a healthy diet, I am excited to cook again.  Last weekend I made this delicious Paleo diet recipe, carrot and zucchini quiche.  I just mixed 12 eggs with grated carrot and zucchini and a little salt, rosemary, and sage.  I melted a tablespoon of butter in the bottom of the Pyrex baking dish and poured the egg mixture in.  I baked it at 375 for 40 minutes.  This recipe makes 6 servings.  It was delicious!   And they're great because you can freeze individual portions to reheat on busy mornings.

Yesterday morning I made the most delicious pumpkin pancakes.  I made my own recipe because I wanted pumpkin to be the primary ingredient and eggs the secondary ingredient.

PUMPKIN PANCAKES (3 servings of two pancakes)
For the batter-
mix dry ingredients first..
1 cup whole wheat flour
1 ts. baking powder
1/2 ts. baking soda
1 ts. cinnamon
1 ts. nutmeg
add wet ingredients...
1 small can (15 oz) pumpkin
4 eggs

The batter will be thick.  Scoop it onto a hot griddle greased with 1 TB. butter or coconut oil.  The recipe makes six pancakes.  They took about 5 minutes to cook on each side.  I put sliced banana and cinnamon on top.  I also poured a small side dish of maple syrup.  I alternated a bite of pancake with bananan and a bite of pancake with syrup.

This was a delicious and filling breakfast.  I didn't feel hungry again until six hours later.  I was curious to  see the nutrition info so I entered the recipe in to myfitnesspal.com.  Here's the breakdown for one serving(including the banana and syrup):

572 calories
90 gm carbs
20 gm fat
18 gm protein

According to nutrition.gov the daily breakdown of macronutrients in your diet should be 45-66% carb, 10-35% protein, and 20-35% fat.  I was really surprised to realize that even though I used whole eggs with yolk and cooked my pancakes in butter, this meal was only 16% fat.  So, it was on the lower side of the recommended amount.  It was 70% carbs, so it falls above the recommendations.  I am going to continue tracking my foods, not to count calories, but to gain a better understanding of what I'm eating.  I have a feeling that most of my meals tend to be carb heavy and low fat.

The past week went well.  I tried out some great new recipes and have been doing a good job eating healthier foods and only eating when I'm hungry.  Next week is going to be challenge.  I'm taking a road trip to visit my husband's family in Alabama.  To start with, car trip = snacks.  My family has stocked up on the usual goodies...oreos, nutty bars, fruit gummies, and chips.  My plan is to drink plenty of water and make sure I'm really hungry before I snack.  I am going to bake blueberry bran muffins so I have a sweet treat that appeals to me.  I also bought a few healthy snacks for myself including beef jerky, vegetable chips, kind granola bars, and Ghirardelli dark chocolate.  The dark chocolate is so delicious and satisfying (even in small portions) that it helps me avoid junk chocolate, like Oreos.  And the challenge continues after the car ride.  All of our plans revolve around what and where we are going to eat.  We're having a seafood feast at an uncle's house, fried seafood at the favorite local restaurant, and we're going to Gulf Shores for the famous restaurant- Lambert's Home of the Throwed Rolls (I'm pretty sure green beans rendered in bacon fat is the healthiest thing on the menu there.)  I am going to eat my usual favorites.  I just wouldn't feel satisfied if I went to Alabama and didn't indulge in some fried crab claws.  But I am going to keep my portions in check and stop eating when I'm full.  I'll check back in throughout the week and let everyone know how it goes.   Thanks for the continued support!

Alexandra 

What I know so far...

My journey started about a month ago when I was driving to the beach.  I downloaded a few audiobooks including Geneen Roth's When Food is Food and Love is Love.  As I listened to her advice I realized several things about myself.    Emotional eating is the reason I'm overweight.  I  had considered the fact that emotional eating was a problem for me, but I had never realized that it was the problem.  When I am happy, I truly enjoy healthy foods.  Grapefruit is my absolute favorite food of all time.  But when I am upset or bored or tired, I find myself eating anything I can get my hands on.  If I've been on a good track with eating healthier foods, I'll crave super-processed foods like snack cakes.  It feels good to break my diet because it validates negative thoughts like "you don't have the will-power to eat healthy".    

One of the biggest things I realized is the fact that I never let myself get hungry.  I always keep snacks in my purse.  I keep the pantry stocked with more food than I could eat in three months.  If I know I'm going somewhere that I won't be able to eat, I over-eat before I leave the house.  I'll eat if it's been a few hours since the last time I ate even if I don't feel hungry.  No joke, I recently found myself googling "how to tell when you are hungry."  How can I be so detached from my physical self?  So a big part of this journey will be learning how to listen to my body.  More importantly, how to be present in my body.  

I know exactly why I developed the habit of over-eating.  My world as a child was chaotic, insecure.  Night-time was the worse.  I remember the quiet tension  as we ate dinner on tv trays in the living room.  I stared intently at the television, pretending to solve Wheel of Fortune puzzles that were way above my head.  I ate my food as quick as I could and always got seconds.  I'd eat until I reached that deliciously sick feeling that comes just before the urge to throw up.  The kind of full where all you can think of is how stuffed you are.  Numb.  Having a full belly made me feel safe and secure and basically, it was how I put myself to sleep each night.  

The first step for me has been paying attention to when and why I am eating.  I realize now that I think about food all the time.  I find myself halfway to the fridge before I think "Am I even hungry?"  When I'm not hungry, I am trying discover what I'm feeling that I'm attempting to cover up by eating.  Sometimes it's really obvious.  For example, I went on an eating binge the other day and I know it had something to do with the fact that I stepped on the scale and didn't like the number.   Other times, I can't put my finger on why I am determined to eat when I'm already full.  Sometimes I get in this defiant mood where I continue to eat when I know I'm not hungry because I want to.  Funny thing is, it doesn't make me feel better.  So, I'm not sure what it is exactly that I want.  Above all, I'm trying to be patient with myself and take the process slowly.  I've maintained these eating habits for many years and it will take time to reform them. 

The most exciting thing I've realized is I never have to "go on a diet" again.  I have been either on a diet or feeling guilty about needing to diet for the past twenty years.  I've learned that dieting doesn't work for me.  When I diet, I feel restricted, and then I binge on the foods I felt like I couldn't have.  The awesome thing is, I don't need to count points or calories to know what's good for me.  Our bodies are extremely intelligent and capable of managing what food we need to feel well.  I just need to tune in to that voice.  It's an empowering, yet scary thought.  Empowering because I now know that I've had this internal wisdom all along.  Scary because I've been living outside of myself for so long that learning how to tune in to my body will be the hardest thing I've ever done.   

 

The Awakening

Something has changed within me...something is not the same.

Every time I look in the mirror I see a hint of this new person I'm becoming.  There's a strength building inside of me that I never thought possible.  I'm not sure what's coming, but I know I am transforming into the woman I am meant to be.

I am now called to write.  I usually process my emotions through long conversations with close friends.  But everything is changing so fast, I have to write things down before the moment passes.  I've never kept a diary because I always re-read entries and rip them out in shame.  I've never written a blog, because it always felt needy, a call for attention.  I take this step now because I need to hold myself accountable, a space where I can be unabashedly honest with myself.  I am beginning a life changing journey and I need the support of my family, my kin.

The birth of my son, becoming a mother, is inspiring me to be my truest self, to live life well.  I have found the courage to slay the most fearsome dragons that have held me back for too long.  The biggest battle surfacing now is my addiction to food.  Food has been my drug of choice for as long as I can remember.  I eat when I'm sad.  I eat when I'm lonely.  I eat when I'm anxious.  I eat to fill the emptiness.  I eat to punish myself, stuck in the belief that I don't deserve to be pretty or attractive.  I can hear what you would say now.."But, Alex...you are beautiful."  That's really not the point.  I'm caught in this unhealthy relationship with food and I'm ready to break free.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can change my lifestyle, eat healthier, exercise, and take all of the necessary steps to become physically well.  I'd love the support of my friends in this endeavor, but that's not the most difficult challenge I face.  What scares me is I know that my emotional eating is only the tip of the iceberg, a symptom of a bigger problem.  I am really not sure what that is.  All I know is that I am ready to start asking myself difficult questions and get to know myself better.  And here's where I need support.  In the past, I've backed away from this challenge.  I've settled and told myself the lie "Everything is fine..you're perfect how you are..nothing needs to change."  Everything is not fine.  I don't have an awareness of what's troubling me.  But I am scared to be alone with myself.  I seek out any kind of constant distraction...working late, tv, visiting friends, talking on the phone, food.  I want to be whole.  confident.  independent.  So I'm taking the first step by making a commitment to be honest with myself and I ask for your support in holding me accountable to my goals.