Something has changed within me...something is not the same.
Every time I look in the mirror I see a hint of this new person I'm becoming. There's a strength building inside of me that I never thought possible. I'm not sure what's coming, but I know I am transforming into the woman I am meant to be.
I am now called to write. I usually process my emotions through long conversations with close friends. But everything is changing so fast, I have to write things down before the moment passes. I've never kept a diary because I always re-read entries and rip them out in shame. I've never written a blog, because it always felt needy, a call for attention. I take this step now because I need to hold myself accountable, a space where I can be unabashedly honest with myself. I am beginning a life changing journey and I need the support of my family, my kin.
The birth of my son, becoming a mother, is inspiring me to be my truest self, to live life well. I have found the courage to slay the most fearsome dragons that have held me back for too long. The biggest battle surfacing now is my addiction to food. Food has been my drug of choice for as long as I can remember. I eat when I'm sad. I eat when I'm lonely. I eat when I'm anxious. I eat to fill the emptiness. I eat to punish myself, stuck in the belief that I don't deserve to be pretty or attractive. I can hear what you would say now.."But, Alex...you are beautiful." That's really not the point. I'm caught in this unhealthy relationship with food and I'm ready to break free.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can change my lifestyle, eat healthier, exercise, and take all of the necessary steps to become physically well. I'd love the support of my friends in this endeavor, but that's not the most difficult challenge I face. What scares me is I know that my emotional eating is only the tip of the iceberg, a symptom of a bigger problem. I am really not sure what that is. All I know is that I am ready to start asking myself difficult questions and get to know myself better. And here's where I need support. In the past, I've backed away from this challenge. I've settled and told myself the lie "Everything is fine..you're perfect how you are..nothing needs to change." Everything is not fine. I don't have an awareness of what's troubling me. But I am scared to be alone with myself. I seek out any kind of constant distraction...working late, tv, visiting friends, talking on the phone, food. I want to be whole. confident. independent. So I'm taking the first step by making a commitment to be honest with myself and I ask for your support in holding me accountable to my goals.
You can - and will - do it!
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DeleteIt takes so much courage to put yourself out there like this. I love and support you 100%! Your writing is honest and beautiful, and I can't wait to see more posts.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Sarah. I've always felt insecure about my writing, so I do appreciate the compliment. It's nice to have a friend to share this journey with.
DeleteI too am an emotional eater and have a lot of negative self-talk. I'm here for you! Thanks for being so open.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Lindsey. I didn't know that you struggle with some of the same issues. I know that you were able to achieve your weight goals. I am curious to know more about some of the strategies that work for you.
DeleteI think that emotional eating is something that a lot of people struggle with, so you are definitely not alone!
ReplyDeleteIt is good that you're starting to journal about your process - journal writing can be quite helpful in tracking progress. For those times you can't get the words out in a printable way, making a video blog where you're just talking out loud to yourself can be a really good alternative. I do this for myself quite often and store the videos on Vimeo (password protected of course!), and sometimes sharing with others. It can be very powerful to talk your way through a problem while seeing yourself on the computer screen! I usually do a video, ignore it for a few days, then go back and listen and take notes, trying to objectively look at the patterns and thoughts going on.
In any case, keep me in the loop about how things are with you! I'm happy to talk with you about all this, too. Good luck!
I really like the video idea. I struggled with writing my second post. Next time I get stuck, I might try recording a video then trying to transfer those thoughts into writing after they've had time to breathe.
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