One of the biggest things I realized is the fact that I never let myself get hungry. I always keep snacks in my purse. I keep the pantry stocked with more food than I could eat in three months. If I know I'm going somewhere that I won't be able to eat, I over-eat before I leave the house. I'll eat if it's been a few hours since the last time I ate even if I don't feel hungry. No joke, I recently found myself googling "how to tell when you are hungry." How can I be so detached from my physical self? So a big part of this journey will be learning how to listen to my body. More importantly, how to be present in my body.
I know exactly why I developed the habit of over-eating. My world as a child was chaotic, insecure. Night-time was the worse. I remember the quiet tension as we ate dinner on tv trays in the living room. I stared intently at the television, pretending to solve Wheel of Fortune puzzles that were way above my head. I ate my food as quick as I could and always got seconds. I'd eat until I reached that deliciously sick feeling that comes just before the urge to throw up. The kind of full where all you can think of is how stuffed you are. Numb. Having a full belly made me feel safe and secure and basically, it was how I put myself to sleep each night.
The first step for me has been paying attention to when and why I am eating. I realize now that I think about food all the time. I find myself halfway to the fridge before I think "Am I even hungry?" When I'm not hungry, I am trying discover what I'm feeling that I'm attempting to cover up by eating. Sometimes it's really obvious. For example, I went on an eating binge the other day and I know it had something to do with the fact that I stepped on the scale and didn't like the number. Other times, I can't put my finger on why I am determined to eat when I'm already full. Sometimes I get in this defiant mood where I continue to eat when I know I'm not hungry because I want to. Funny thing is, it doesn't make me feel better. So, I'm not sure what it is exactly that I want. Above all, I'm trying to be patient with myself and take the process slowly. I've maintained these eating habits for many years and it will take time to reform them.
The most exciting thing I've realized is I never have to "go on a diet" again. I have been either on a diet or feeling guilty about needing to diet for the past twenty years. I've learned that dieting doesn't work for me. When I diet, I feel restricted, and then I binge on the foods I felt like I couldn't have. The awesome thing is, I don't need to count points or calories to know what's good for me. Our bodies are extremely intelligent and capable of managing what food we need to feel well. I just need to tune in to that voice. It's an empowering, yet scary thought. Empowering because I now know that I've had this internal wisdom all along. Scary because I've been living outside of myself for so long that learning how to tune in to my body will be the hardest thing I've ever done.
I picked up "When Food is Love" by Geneen Roth today at my library per your suggestion. I just got through the first chapter and a lot of her points resonated with me. This one in particular:
ReplyDelete“As children we have no resources, no power to make choices about our situations. We need our families for food, shelter, and love or else we will die. If we feel that the pain around us is too intense and we cannot leave or change it, we will shut it off. We will - and do - switch our pain to something less threatening: a compulsion.
As adults, it becomes our task to examine the decisions we made long ago about our self-worth, our capacity to love, and our willingness to be loved, for it is from these decisions that many of our beliefs about compulsion and love take root.
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Once we had no choice; now we do.” p. 24-25
I like this book so far because she sheds light on the reasons why we feel compelled to emotionally eat and then also talks about what we can do now that we're more self-aware.
Sarah, I'm glad you found the book. How are you liking it so far? I also really like what she had to say about the reasons we emotionally eat. She frequently repeats "there are perfectly good reasons why you turned to food for comfort in the first place" and emphasizes that it's important to treat yourself with compassion as you reflect on past choices. Another good point that she makes is that judging or shaming yourself will never lead to permanent change. For me, it's so empowering to know that I can accept my past and use what I've learned to move forward and make healthier choices.
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