Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Stuck
I just ate four pieces of pizza. I've spent the past 3 hours on the edge of vomiting. I tried to throw up but I couldn't. I ate the fourth pizza slice with the full knowledge it would make me feel ill. I started overeating at night when I was a child. Eating too much makes me feel numb. It helps me sleep. And somehow feeling sick and being mad at myself for doing it on purpose feels right. Like I deserve to feel this way. But I'm a grown ass adult now and I'm really tired of it. I am the happiest I have ever been and I want to live my best day every day. But I seriously don't know how to stop. I have two really destructive habits that come and go in cycles- binge eating and picking my skin. If I'm not indulging in one, it's the other. Please gods give me the clarity to make this stop.
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Well the picking at your skin has to stop. I wish I could be there to slap your hands. :) But the binge eating... maybe you should just let yourself go? I know that's controversial advice and I'm not suggesting you do that forever, but it's like we were reading in When Food is Love... maybe it's not a bad idea to just let yourself have the foods your body and mind are craving without judgement. For a set amount of time, let yourself eat what you want and don't reprimand yourself or pass judgements on your body. Make it a month, make it a year. You'll gain weight at first, of course, but that's ok. We all love you no matter what. What's clear is that your eating is not due to some biological need to overindulge, it's mental. And these habits aren't going to correct themselves overnight. But what you can do is be kind to yourself, and let yourself eat without judgement. You don't have to live this way. You don't have to feel this way. We certainly don't judge you for it, but we don't have to, because you're judging yourself enough for a small army of people. Let go of the judgement, Alex. Just let it all go.
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